A side effect of cataract surgery
They were just here. Or were they in the bathroom? The kitchen? Maybe the freezer? It’s easy to misplace your cheaters when you frequently move around.
“I used to lose my keys. Then I had cataract surgery—and upgraded to cheaters.”
~ Joe Miller~
Some people call it cataract surgery. I call it Cadillac surgery.
Look at it this way. . . what it costs to get cataracts removed from each eye could easily buy you a brand-new Cadillac. So don’t tell me the word “cataract” isn’t just a clever code between ophthalmologists and car dealers.
Before Removal
When those pesky fog balls are still clinging to your eyeballs, driving at night turns into a high-stakes game of “Aim & Hope.”
What used to be a headlight now looks like a five-foot-wide, 100,000-candlepower searchlight… with a glowing halo. Add rain to the mix and it becomes a NASCAR simulator run by Satan.
If you’ve still got your cataracts, chances are you’ve got a pricey pair of prescription glasses, too. Why? Because if you want to see, you’ll pay.
Same goes for hearing and breathing. The rule is simple: Need it? Then open your wallet.
After Removal (aka: When the Doc Buys His New Caddy)
The first thing I noticed after surgery?
I could finally say, “I can see just fine!” , and mean it.
And suddenly, nobody was rolling their eyes at me anymore. They were just staring in awe as I read street signs again.
Distance vision? Incredible.
Close-up vision? Well, let’s just say I’ve now entered the sacred society of the Cheater Wearers.
Cheaters are those magical little reading glasses you can get at Wally World (Walmart), the drugstore at the corner of Healthy and Happy (Walgreens) , or the Dollar Store (which now charges $1.79, and don’t get me started on that).
A Guarantee You Can Bank On
If you only buy one pair of cheaters, you’re a rookie.
Because you will lose them. Quickly. And repeatedly.
And no, they’re not on your forehead. You already checked.
There’s a sock-stealing gremlin living in your dryer?
Well, he’s got a cousin living in your house who’s got a thing for glasses. Especially cheap ones. And especially yours.
You’ll find yourself muttering the same question daily:
“Where did I leave my glasses?”
The Fix
If you’re new to the cataract-free zone, or you’re about to join us (and you will; it’s practically a senior rite of passage), then start practicing this phrase in advance:
“Where did I leave my glasses?”
Say it often. Say it in your sleep. And then go out and buy a truckload of cheaters.
Scatter them like Easter eggs across every room in your house, every car you ride in, and every drawer you forgot you had. You can also leave a pair or two on your church pew.
It’s the only way you’ll ever stand a chance against the sock thief’s cousin.
Closer Idea (a wink and a bow):
So yes, I may have 20/20 distance vision now, but I also have 20/200 hindsight—because I still can’t remember where I left my glasses.
Welcome to the club.
It’s part of being one of the Chronologicaly Gifteds.
Image Credit: Reading glasses on a book by Christopher Lague, licensed under CC0 Public Domain.